The bottled up confusion and dread that creeps up inside me and threatens to drown me...i must remind myself that it is but a fleeting emotion; one that will fade. The fears i have though are but a step from reality. i am high; i am drunk but when has that been my escape? im not sure. i have had those moments when all that i was and could be; the anxiety and tension was so great that i turned to drugs but what is it that compels me

waking up...

With the aftermath of my relationship crashing all over my back everything felt acute. I felt like i literally fell at the impact. I still feel like I am constantly struggling either with emotion too overwhelming to confront or feeling so completely numb that I crave some sort of connection to life's light.

I woke to the reality that I was burdening those around me but I knew if I didn't take what was there for me to grasp on to than I would fall so completely apart that I would not know how to pick myself up again. I know that I feel I have been unfair to lean on others. I have this worry that I am dragging others down. Leo makes a good point that I hold the cards close to my chest.

Having dropped all the cards on a table infront of kristal was never what I intended. I am still unsure how to chalk up how badly I've felt broken. I can't seem to let myself take a moment to mourn my loneliness. I want to keep moving but I'm not going to be able to keep up the pace for long the way my leg is throbbing.

I can't even dig deep enough to know what Im feeling today. All I really feel is numb. I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea why I can't sleep. I don't know why I can't facethe thought of being alone in my new apt. I can't bring myself to say anything to anyone about it. I don't know why I tried to make it work with keshia after I realized I was no more than a piece of meat to her. I can't make heads or tails out of anything right now. I feel so utterly confused.